Permission to Grieve [*]

Grief transports you to the deepest places when you have no choice but to let go, when the loss of vital relationships or vital attachments feels like (or is) death itself.

Grief will come forward in response to death, the end of a love relationship, the irretrievable loss of your health or well-being, the loss of a cherished goal or possession, or the stunning betrayal of your trust
[I will use the *symbol as representation on the different losses from here on forward in this article].

Grief will also arise in response to never having had something we’re all supposed to take for granted, such as health, strength, security, or a happy childhood.”1
 
I want to make the bold statement that people in general do not understand grief or know how to deal with it in a self-compassionate way. We are somehow scared of entering the dark cave of grief and sitting with our loss. We are scared that we might get lost inside and never find out way out again.
 
Grief is different from sadness in that it occurs as the result of having to let go of something [*] without having a choice in the matter.
 
In our western way of dealing with grief our rituals around death [*] are very limited. Funerals take an hour or two or three and then we are expected to enter normal life again. We generally do not have loss-rituals when our grief is as a result of the end of a love relationship, the irretrievable loss of your health or well-being, the loss of a cherished goal or possession, or the stunning betrayal of your trust. We often don't even acknowledge these as reasons to grieve at all.

We do not go about grief in an embodied way, it is mostly an intellectual experience. We cry, we do talk about the deceased/[*]; we try to find solace in spiritual and intellectual ideas about the person being in a better place, or the person no longer suffering or the lessons we learnt from the experience or it being part of a divine plan for our lives. I want to suggest a different approach; 

• Have compassion for yourself. What you are experiencing is normal (if you doubt it, ask a professional’s advice).
• Slow down and acknowledge that you are grieving, the more significant the loss the more intense the grief. If you don’t, your body will find a way to slow you down with strategies like loss of energy and vitality, which might end up in depression.
• Involve your body in the grieving process; otherwise your body will get involved anyway by becoming tired and ill.
  This means you must cry enough, shout enough, stamp your feet enough or whatever other body action you naturally feel.
  Tearing one’s clothes and throwing ash on one’s head comes to mind…
• Understand that family, friends and counselors can support you and it is very important to make use of their support, but ultimately they cannot “make it better”. The hard work of grieving is a solo job, even if you have lost the same person/ [*].
  Do not expect that others will grieve in the same way or to the same extent than you do because this will cause secondary problems in your close relationships.
• Grief changes you forever; life will never be the same again.
• Grieving takes time, and honestly the pain of missing the person/ [*] will probably never go away. You might be OK for some time and then suddenly you get triggered and the pain is there again.
  It can happen, because of a familiar smell, a picture, a place, a memory, a song etc. BUT avoiding the grieving process has grievous consequences.
• Create a space (grief shrine) where you can spend enough time directly after the loss. Ultimately you want to reach a moment of acceptance that the person/relationship is no longer part of your reality.
  McLaren suggests placing something disposable in your grief shrine—something that can eventually be buried or burned in a funeral-like ceremony—so that you can ritualize the end of your mourning.
  If we do not enter a space like this we might end up grieving in small portions over a period of years and years.
  Some people end up getting stuck in their grief with an inability to accept the loss.
  THIS DOES NOT MEAN YOU WILL NEVER BE SAD AGAIN, it just means that you have faced the reality of the situation and decided to accept it.
  
  

A practical example from my own life:
I made a photo collage after my divorce, because essentially I lost the idea/hope/image/dream of my family…this was my representation of what I lost. I eventually tore up a photograph of our family as it used to be and released it into a flowing stream, like one would do with someone’s ashes.
​

• After the initial “letting go” you might want to visit this grieving space as a place of comfort when you feel sad and overwhelmed by your grief, You can add;
  • A picture/s of the person,
  • a candle,
  • religious/spiritual symbols like; a cross/ image of the Buddha/rosary/icon/prayer rope etc.,
  • incense/fragrant oil burner,
  • flowers or a plant,
  • a favorite item of the person,
  • you can even use music as a way of remembering and comfort.  
• Use as much image and ritual as possible. 
  
  

Another practical example from my own life:
We put a tree in the front of the church at my father’s funeral. This tree was later planted on my brother’s farm, and it stands there forever as a remembrance of whom my father was to me.
 
There is no right and wrong way to grieve, but avoiding the grieving process ultimately or over-spiritualizing it, can cause numbness and disconnection from the world.
 
Reach out if you need help. What you are experiencing is normal!
 
[*] death, the end of a love relationship, the irretrievable loss of your health or well-being, the loss of a cherished goal or possession, or the stunning betrayal of your trust
 
1 McLaren, Karla. The Language of Emotions